im puking too much
and im thinking about my problems and the stress and i’m puking because of that too
i cant stop thinking about how pitiful i am
i dont even think im deserving of any pity
im crying but is anyone there to see me in this decaying state
i feel that people see me in pain but they choose to ignore me because i dont matter to them
i want to be noticed by someone
anyone
social anxiety sucks
i cannot call people
i cannot reply to emails
i cannot go up to someone and say that i need help
i freeze up and not do anything
and that’s causing a lot of trouble with me and my classes cuz my teachers don’t know that i’m sick and they don’t believe me when i say that i’m sick
i hate everything
i hate how im comparing myself to persona 4
but that game got me thinking in the first place about myself and all my problems
and it’s depressing
but everyone will think im stupid and im being immature
i desperately want to believe that i’m a side character in a story
and that the main character will come and talk to me and help me solve all of my problems
but i feel like a really really obscure side character that’s always overlooked
so i’m left to resign to the fact that no help will ever come and i will be left stuck in this doomed path forever
i don’t think anyone i know on facebook cares about me aside from my closer friends
i hate that
i hate that no one cares that i’m hurt
i hate how no one asks what’s wrong even when i explicitly state that there’s something wrong
its morbidly funny
but if i got hurt in my room
no one would notice
no one would care
not for a week or so give or take
Wow this isn’t emotional at all
No wait it is
EVERYONE STOP VAGUEBLOGGING YOU’RE ALL CONFUSING THE SHIT OUT OF ME AND DRIVING ME PARANOID WITH EVERYTHING
MY CONCLUSION IS THAT EVERYTHING IS MY FAULT AND THAT’S NOT HEALTHY THINKING
You know what sucks?
Being utterly helpless in helping a close friend
Because of the slightest bit of doubt in my mind
Vagueblogging makes me confused
Because 99% of the time I think it’s about me
And it tears my heart just thinking about it
But that 1%
Is all it takes
To make me freeze and not breech the subject
It’s a vicious cycle because neither of us know that we’re talking about each other if at all
And so we keep vagueblogging
And
It
Never
Gets
Resolved
Isn’t the feeling of drifting away wonderful?
I guess that’s what happens when you move into a sub-fandom and start dedicating all your time into being an active member.
I find myself not having the will to talk to people I used to talk to ):
Namely because all we ever talk about is Homestuck and not any of my other interests
Also these other people….don’t watch the same things I do so it’s hard to talk about anything else
And I’m honestly growing tired of having the same kinds of conversations with the same three people over and over. There’s nothing new to say. We’re just repeating a goddamn routine cycle of A says this B replies with this day in day out.
Sigh
I guess I’m not as close to people as I once thought I was…
